Don’t Be Duped by Bad Writing: 3 Tips to Suss Out a Quality Self-Published Author

Not everyone can be Stephen King, amiright? As a matter of fact, no one can be Stephen King except the man himself. At least in this universe. I imagine there’s another reality somewhere out there, populated entirely by Stephen Kings. As wild as that might be, wait until you start imagining all that cocaine!

The point is that self-published authors are already starting at an incredible deficit: since they’re not Stephen King, no one knows who they are. And if you don’t know who a self-published author is, how the hell are you supposed to know if they’re any good?

Thanks to Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing, anyone can self-publish. It’s super easy and instantly makes your book available to anyone who wants it. Some might call Kindle Direct Publishing the democratization of book publishing, throwing gatekeepers to the crocodiles and letting every Jane, Dick, and Harry publish whatever, whenever they want.

Unfortunately, like YouTube, blogs, and the internet-at-large that preceded it, the open, accessible nature of Kindle Direct Publishing means there is a hell of a lot more turds than diamonds scattered across those digital bookshelves. Everyone wants to write the Great American Novel, but that doesn’t mean everyone should. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that there’s a lot of bad writing on Kindle Direct Publishing. Like, really bad. And as much as we’d all love to believe that good novels rise to the top on the merits of quality alone, well, Santa Claus isn’t real, Jesus wasn’t white, and good self-published books aren’t easy to find.

So how do we find the diamonds? How do we sort through the endless ranks of self-published, self-indulgent, cringe-inducing, poorly structured, typo-ridden junk?

First, start with my books! They check all the boxes: self-published, so you’re supporting independent creators and not lining the pockets of major publishing houses (we’ll save that caveat de Amazon for another time); the stories are well-written and fast-paced, so you’re getting your money’s worth; and while I may not be Stephen King, I have been in the professional creative space for over a decade, obsessively honing my narrative and storytelling skills.

After you’ve finished with my Kindle library (rateandreviewplease!), keep reading for some essential tips to suss out if those other self-published authors are any good.

RE: VIEW THE REVIEWS

Amazon and reviews go together like peanut butter and jelly, Batman and Robin, capitalism and wage-slave poverty! Reviews can be helpful to the discerning reader, but it’s important to understand the inherent caveats that come with Amazon Kindle book reviews.

We can all agree that there’s a vast difference between an Amazon review about that crazy novel about a dude whose junk falls off before it turns into a mutant monster and, say, a perfectly average kitchen utensil like a citrus reamer. The citrus reamer is a tool whose function is (mostly) objective. The novel, on the other hand, is (mostly) subjective. The way a reviewer approaches these two products shouldbe completely different, which means most reviewers will probably try to fuck a fruit with a digital copy of Don’t Be A Monster, Dick! (Look, reviews on Amazon are weird.)

Reviews are biased, plain and simple. Reviews on subjective art, even more. Worse, while the citrus reamer may have thousands of reviews confirming the objective nature of the utensil’s ability to ream citrus, a self-published novel (even one of such dick-tastic quality worthy of the NYT bestseller list) still has to be seen through all that drowning digital detritus self-published by those other authors before it maybe even gets its first review.

The fact is that a self-published novel might not have any reviews, which could have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not the author is any good!

So, reviews are helpful, but take them with one comically oversized grain of salt!

YE OLD GRANDE DESCRIPTION

Can you tell if a self-published book is worth reading just from the description? In two words: fuck no. Descriptions are the hardest part of the book to write, and if done really well (in conjunction with the cover art), a description can be like an S-tier movie trailer for an F-tier pile of cinematic trash. Like the book cover, a description will give you an idea of what the story is about. Still, it probably won’t be a good measure of the author’s skill as a writer, their ability to structure a narrative, or how compelling their characters are. Here, have some more salt.

LOOK INSIDE AND BEHOLD A WORLD OF PURE IMAGINATION

At this point, if you’re thinking that the best way to suss out the quality of a self-published author is to just read the book, well ... you’re right. You might also be thinking that if this author is really, really shit, giving them money might give them the wrong impression (which might be a generous way to phrase it), well ... you’re also right.

That’s why Amazon provides the “Look Inside” feature. On the product page for any self-published book on Amazon Kindle, you simply have to click or tap the cover art to take a peek inside. A fixed percentage of the book is displayed inside the pop-up preview window. Alternatively, you can select to send or download a preview to your kindle, which effectively accomplishes the same thing.

Either way you slice it, “Look Inside” provides a legit, unfiltered preview of self-published writing. If you take the time to read it, you’ll know pretty quickly if the author has a loose relationship with grammar, broke up with their proofreader, or is potentially wicked high on their own supply. Here, save yourself $5.99.

On the other hand, maybe the author is actually good at this sacred art of storytelling! Maybe the preview is well-written, free of typos, and grabs you by the lapels, holds a gun to your (or a mutant monster penis) and demands you purchase the whole book! Here, spend that $5.99! Remember: it’s going to a good cause (independent creative!), and you’re getting 4-6 hours of solid entertainment in exchange.

So there you have it! Three easy steps to help you find the diamonds in the rough when it comes to self-published Kindle books. It’s important to remember that not everything on Amazon is worth reading, but with a little bit of detective work, you can find some real gems. Have you read any great self-published authors lately (besides me)? Let me know in the comments below!

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