The 5 Most Important Decisions in Life (and How They Relate to Dick Monsters)
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
Some decisions in life are easy. For example, whether or not to hit the snooze button in the morning. But others are much harder. Like whether or not to get out of bed after failing to hit the snooze button for the seventeenth time ... or whether or not to break up with your significant other after you find out they turn into a raging dick monster every full moon.
(We’ve all been there.)
So, how do you know if you’re making all the right, super-important, Really Big Life Decisions? Well, the critical thing to consider is where the dick monster exists on the violent, toxic masculinity scale. For example, is it just running around town, shoving itself into random peoples’ mouths? Or has it graduated to an aggressive head fetish, snapping them off at the neck and then popping them like grapes?
(Again, we’ve all been there.)
Fortunately, the crack writing staff here at Emergency Creative are experts in the fields of dick monsters, monster dicks, and eggplants (stay tuned for our hearty eggplant moussaka recipe)!
Just remember: when in doubt, whip it out! Or just whip it, whip it good.
Really Big Life Decision #1: What Should I Do When I Find Out My Significant Other is a Dick Monster?
This is the most difficult decision on our list, so why not get it out of the way first? It’s like (someone’s) mother always said: do the hard thing first! It always softens up later!
Before grabbing it like you mean it and tackling the dick monster head-on (and risk throttling it too aggressively), it’s essential to take a step back for perspective, take stock of personal values, and take care that the whole dick monster thing isn’t making you gag (emotionally speaking, that is).
Because, plot twist: if you can look past your dick monster’s monthly transformations, perhaps they’re not all that bad. Perhaps they might even be worth keeping around. Perhaps.
Let’s look at the facts:
A dick monster can provide years of companionship, laughter, and love.
A dick monster can also be costly, needy, and a major pain in the ass (literally).
A dick monster can be unpredictable, violent, and prone to biting heads off. A dick monster tends to also leave wet, sticky messes wherever it goes!
So ... what should you do when you find out your significant other is a dick monster? Weigh the pros and cons. Really suss out if you can fit a dick monster into your life -- things might just be too tight (right now)! Finally, if it turns out your significant other isn’t actually a dick monster, but you’ve really sold yourself on the idea of a dick monster, you can always adopt! Just remember: stay away from dick monster mills or dick farms, and always -- always, always, ALWAYS -- stick with a reputable breeder. You don’t want some fly-by-night operator selling you a lemon!
If you enjoy dick monsters, you should definitely check out Jordan Krumbine’s novel “Don’t Be a Monster, Dick!”
Really Big Life Decision #2: Where Should I Live?
Life. Don’t talk to me about life, amiright?
Living, on the other hand? Hold onto your butts, baby! Living is, by some accounts, the very best part of life! For example, 9 out of 10 doctors agree that where you live can significantly impact lifestyle, quality of life, and the very fundamentals of living (i.e., breathing). To that end, living on Mars is, on the whole, a Very Bad Idea, primarily due to the lack of a breathable atmosphere.
If you’re single and looking for love, Mars is also a Very Bad Idea because the romantic options are limited, to put it generously. Instead, you might consider moving to a city where there are (any) potential mates (and fewer potential dick monsters). On the other hand, if you’re trying to escape the hustle and bustle of urban living -- and a breathable atmosphere is “nice to have, but not necessary” -- then Mars may very well be a decent, long-term living strategy. If you need to keep your options open, the suburbs might be more your speed!
Obviously, the decision about where to live is personal, involving many critical elements such as proximity to the nearest dick monster and a relative abundance of oxygen. No matter what you decide, be sure to get busy living or get busy choking on the unbreathable Martian atmosphere (or dick monsters, we don’t judge).
Really Big Life Decision #3: What Career Should I Pursue?
Careers are like missions to explore the distant Martian surface -- sure, we can ... but why? We already know there’s nothing there!
Many people think that careers are a big part of life, and it’s critical to choose wisely. Careful consideration of things like skills, personal interests, and long-term goals can impact major career decisions -- not to mention whether or not you prioritize job security and earning potential!
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
But here’s the nitty-gritty truth that most people hate having shoved down their throat: when you’re staring down the shaft of a dick monster drooling a little liquid excitement while it’s imagining if your head is as poppable as it looks, career paths, earning potential, and corporate ladders are just about the last things you’re going to be thinking of.
(The first thing: but will it fit?)
Really Big Life Decision #4: Is Now the Right Time to Have Kids? Should I Have Kids? I Already Have a Kid, is There a Return Policy?
Look, it’s inevitable. Life, living, dick monsters ... eventually, all roads lead to rugrats. On the one hand, kids can bring joy and fulfillment like nothing else. On the other hand, they’re expensive, time-consuming, and usually sticky (and sometimes moist). I don’t know why kids are sticky, but it’s like a fundamental law of nature or something: time dilation, relativity, and sticky kids who need to pee.
Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash
If you’re on the fence about whether or not you should have kids, sit down with your partner (if you have one) and talk about your feelings. You might also want to talk to friends or family members who have children -- since they’re already in the trenches, they might be able to show you the best door to beat a quick retreat before all hope is hopelessly lost.
Ultimately, only you (and possibly your partner) can decide whether or not having children is right for you -- just remember that dick monsters beget more dick monsters! And what is a dick monster without the dick? Just a monster! See? When it comes to kids, you just can’t win!
Really Big Life Decision #5: Who Should I Marry, and How Can I Tell if They’re a Dick Monster?
Marriage is the most significant decision, commitment, and mistake you’ll ever make in your life. So choose wisely, or your life will be irreparably ruined, forever and always, and you will be shunned and cast from society as if you’re some kind of dick monster when in fact it was the person you married that was the dick monster inside the house all along!
Suddenly, that Martian real estate market isn’t looking so asphyxiating anymore, is it?
If you decide to nut up and grab life by the balls, you should at least marry someone for the right reasons. And by that, I mean dick size. Girls, go big or go home. Boys? Go big or go home. There isn’t a single successful heterosexual marriage that doesn’t involve a penis, so logic dictates it should be as big as possible.
... and that’s it! Those are the 5 Really Big Life Decisions you’ll ever have to make (and how they loosely relate to dick monsters). Stay tuned next week for 7 Impossibly Edible Eggplant Recipes!
Enjoyed the article? Be sure to check out the novel, “Don’t Be a Monster, Dick!”
It’s a story about a guy whose penis falls off, turns into a monster, and then terrorizes the city. There's a military defense contractor, so there's a lot of toxic phallic imagery. Speaking of phallic, there's also a wannabe governor campaigning on state's rights to WMDs. Also, the eponymous monster dick may or may not jump across multiple bodies, regardless of gender.
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